1. Ilkae - Orange Line
2. MIA - Paper Planes
3. Hux Flux Deluxe - Random
4. Ted - Clark
5. Magic Spells - Crystal Castles
6. 15th Stage - Osborne
7. Black Heros - Lex
8. The Move - Boom Bip
9. Detune - Osborne
10. 23 - Blonde Redhead
11. Lights and Magix - Cut Copy
12. D.A.N.C.E. - Justice
13. Britney - Dead or Alive (Radio Version) - team9 vs Britney vs Daft Punk vs Dead or Alive
14. Acceptable in the 80's - Calvin Harris
15. Computer Camp Love - Datarock
16. Some commercial from YouTube
17. Dictaphones Lament - Tycho

Turkey burgers are a healthy alternative to your basic beef patty. It's a fact. You get yourself a nice lean mound of ground Turkey, it's like Mr. Purdue smiling right into your soul. Rip that plastic off, my friend. Toss that salmonella-infected Styrofoam tray into the trashcan. Stir in some Old El Paso taco mix and you've got yourself a tasty treat any Mexican would admire. Aye-Carumba! Mold it into a disc and you're in burger town.

Turkeys are stupid, contemptuous creatures, did you know that? You should feel no shame digesting their delicious flesh. They stomp around in circles like savages, in a display of endurance. Stompin' drives the lady turkeys crazy. It's a a mating ritual worthy of your deepest, boiling contempt. Face it – if God didn't want us to eat turkeys, he wouldn't have shaped them like a ball of meat on sticks. Their entire body structure is comical.

this has been a test of the Writely.com "post to blog" feature.

As far as lifestyle adjustments go, leaving a 20 year educational career is up there in terms of fuck-you-up-edness. It's kind of like leaving Disney World and being all excited because the emasculated green alien from the Bugs Bunny cartoon gave you a hug and said you were his favorite little Earthling. And that seems pretty cool while you're in Disney World, but to the rest of the world, you've just been molested by a sweaty, failed actor. And what does a restraining order and a deep sense of shame get you in the Real World? Not a whole lot. But you shouldn't let that get you down. The rest of the world is often very wrong. Just look at Tuna Casserole. Perfect example. Do you eat that shit?

Okay, the green alien dude might really love you, but don't you go running back to him, you hear me? He's no good for you, just like he was no good for Bugs Bunny, and you sure as shit don't want to end up alone on Planet X with your strange friend leering at you over a malfunctioning death ray, do you? So when you find yourself wandering around your darkened apartment, crying because you can't decide between shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles and stale Cheerios, wondering where your life derailed, remember that you made the right decision. That's life, buddy, and the sooner you make good with that, the sooner you can stop spending half of your paycheck on huge bottles of Crown Royal and start working on that beer gut that crept up on you out of nowhere.

Lesson over.

But a lot has happened since graduation. I got stuck in Barcelona, got pulled over by a bike cop, pretended to be an academic, pretended to be an idiot, pretended to be a pirate, ate some clown faces, made some sh!t, made a new mix, had some drinks... The list goes on and on.

But now I am turning 26 - entering the twilight years. I need to get my shit together and master my destiny. To start with, I've bought myself this sweet-ass gold watch - a retirement present for my youth. I'm giving myself a nice pat on the back and shipping myself off to that great Assisted Living Center called Life. I hear things are tough out there, but I am prepared. I've got my swiss army knife, some waterproof matches, and your mom's digits. Sweet Jesus Almighty, I'm ready.

Prospects? I've got piles. I'm prospect-infested. Prospects be fallin' out of my pockets, oozing out of my pores. But if none of that works out, I can live of the fat o'the fuckin' land. Me and Ma Nature, we're cool like that. She's all: "Oh Jeff, how I long for you to suckle from the teet of my ever-ripening vine. I am truly your Bitch, and you are my Pimp." (exact quote) That's how I roll. My life-muscles are toned and oiled, ready for battle. And in celebration of this new stage, we're doing the only logical thing that someone in my position can do: driving an hour north.

This will be the site of the festivities. Jealous? I know. But someday, you too will turn 26, and you can rent a lake house of your own.

Happy Holidays!

melissathakissa

standingreserve

Welcome to ChinASCII and Congratulations! You are now Charles Bukowski's alter ego Chinaski. To help Bukowski become a successful poet you must control three different aspects of his life. Only by maintaining a healthy balance of sex, booze and menial labor can Bukowski create the gritty poetry that we all know and love. The meters on your left tell you how well you are doing in each area and if you neglect any one of them for too long it's back to the post office for Bukowski.

Fall '05

This is a long, boring correspondence that I am taking part in right now about a DVD that some woman bought from me for $10. I can't really figure out why I keep responding to her - it's certainly not for the $10 (even though I am confident that I have the high ground, even if it's not the moral one), so I can only guess that, not having a television or any other forms of distraction, this is the type of entertainment that my brain craves after a 12-hour day of working on bullshit school assignments and dealing with nerve-wracking deadlines.

If she still insists on a full refund, I think I might have to bring her the good word of Jesus. And you know she's not backing down. This is going to get ugly. Also - can someone explain to this woman the difference between prepositions and adverbs? If she is 10 years old I will feel really bad, but if not, I'm riding this train to the end of the line. My frustration has found an outlet, and that outlet is petty arguments with Midwest auction jockeys. My life is now complete.

In sunnier news, I have secured lodgings @ 10th street and 3rd Ave for December 10th through January 3rd. This will be the headquarters for the partying of the millennium!!! (+6) This is an amazing apartment that once belonged to my friend Matthew, and now belongs to his younger brother David, and they were gracious enough to lend it to me and Melissa for our Yorker. Thanks to all of you who offered space, or were thinking about it, but thanks especially to the Rothenbergs, who have now accommodated me twice in New York and once in TEH OC.

UPDATE

So apparently I've been reported, but that was on Dec 12, and I haven't heard a word from the woman, or from Half.com.

On Podcasts

There you are, sitting in front of that damned computer screen - you are reading this word, and now this one. Damn son, I know you better than you know yourself. You're feeling useless, tired, lonely. You eat four Triscuits and then curse yourself for forgetting that tub of cream cheese that would have tasted absolutely fucking delicious smothered over a vast expanse of carefully woven toasted wheat. Tiny city blocks of wheat - it could have been a very creamy Christmas in Wheat Town. Who weaves those delectable quilts, anyway? The Jolly Brown Giant? The Kebler Elves' Amish cousins? Not too innovative - lost some stock with the whole "Rosemary and Oil" campaign - but *damn* can they weave some wheat.

I know you. You're the one who drew that penis on the mens bathroom wall, leaving me, over here in my head, with several possible motivations to attribute to such an act. Are you a homosexual who likes to look at penises other than your own while you urinate? Are you perhaps leaving that little diagram there as a reminder to yourself as to the general appearance of the equipment that you have to deal with when you are standing in that spot? I admit - this much I do not know. This confuses me, but I think you also confuse yourself. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night in a thick haze of confusion - and it's not just the vodka tonics. and BAM! *THAT* is psychoanalysis. You got your head shrunk and you didn't even know it was happening.

moving right along...

Please take this opportunity to empty your colons, because this new information that will soon be invading your minds and wet willying your imagination has side effects of panty stains. Are you ready? No you're not, but damn my fingers got dancin' feet tonight, and they want me to inform you that there is a new Sunday Night Mix hitting the the digital airwaves, with not one, but two action-packed covers for you to choose from (or: "from which you can choose", depending on your grammatical preferences).

Cover 1 is for the sophisticated, reserved individual. But don't you take this cover lightly, my friend. Don't be taken in by its simple charm and refined aesthetic. It could buy and sell you with the blink of an eye, and you'd be left on the curb, your pale, hairy upper thighs quivering in the crisp November air.	Cover 2 is bold and in control. It is physically incapable of taking crap from those other pansy covers. It's rugged and mean, like the man your father wishes you were.

Download Sunday Night Mix - Volume 5

1. (00:00) Wagon Christ - Saddic Gladdic
2. (04:18) Jackson and his Computer Band - Arpeggio
3. (07:43) The Knife - Hannah's Conscious
4. (10:30) Kid Spatula - Detlev Bronk
5. (13:30) Mental Overdrive - New Clear Day
6. (16:40) Machine Drum - Hello My Future(tstewart mix)
7. (21:00) Royksopp - Someone Like Me
8. (26:17) Lineland - Promise Follows Two
9. (28:44) Styrofoam - By Anybody I Mean You
10. (33:48) Hooverphonic - Shake the Disease
11. (37:23) Console - Pigeon Party
12. (41:38) Jackson and his Computer Band - Rock On
13. (45:00) Yellow Magic Orchestra - Neue Tanz
14. (48:18) Mouse On Mars - Wipe That Sound
15. (51:55) Nathan Michael - Planet
16. (55:50) Prefuse 73 - Busy Signal
17. (57:55) Kelpe - Sickly Situation
18. (01:01:52) Jackson and his Computer Band - Hard Tits (yes, more Jackson mix)
19. (01:04:58) Emotional Joystick - Reparation